A Midnight Prayer

We pray at night. Since married life began it’s just something that we do. Yet there are times I lay my head to sleep and the cares we just gave the Lord churn against my will. As “amen” crosses our lips and our fingers loose, I tell my best friend, “The anxiety burdens me still.” He usually turns his face towards mine with an answer simple and sincere. “I guess you aren’t done praying then.” He’s right. I know deep down it’s true. Yet, all too often, my finiteness creeps upon me, and suddenly I’m drowning in a swallowing sea, gasping for what I think is best. There in my confusion and questioning, my God is gentle in His gathering. His hand is not heavy as some fathers are. No… He is One who listens closely, even when I think my prayer is minuscule. I remind myself of that woman in the nursing home we used to see. She would murmur repeatedly, “Lord, please help me. I need help in the worst way.” Over and over those words would come out clear. My husband and I…we would smile a bit as her petition fell. She was weak and her prayer importunate. She was fragile and forlorn, but her prayer was pleasing even in its smallest form. She lay there old. But her prayer came out so young. Some nights are humbling as I hear that childlike prayer come out of me. The Jacob in me wrestles as I write my thoughts to God and then pen back what His promises would surely be. And oft His love is so tender that before I am aware, I find myself waking to a new morning, realizing He gave me sleep with a mercy that was always there.

A midnight prayer I’m tired and I don’t know why. You’re tired and it’s ok to cry. This world is broken. So many ache. Marriages are oppressive. Sexual abuse lingers still. Many hide their desperation, not knowing what to do. These things are not small things. The abuse of authority is not pleasing to Me. I have those hidden lambs and will care for their every need. My friend, Lord. She’s weary. She needs to feel Thee on her side. Although we have yet to meet in person, I love her Lord…give her safety. Please provide. She’s on my heart. I stand for truth and justice. I will see her circumstances through. How can she trust when others have shown themselves untrustworthy? My trust wains Lord. Who will provide safety? Me. You can trust me. My name is safety. But she is broken Lord. In me she is made whole. Trust me when I say broken things are made most beautiful. Another friend is anxious Lord. How can I succor that? Let her see the tears you weep on her behalf. Sometimes healing starts when we let the tears drop. After all, Jesus wept.

There are sick lambs....

I am the Healing One.

Loved ones have died. How do you comfort those left behind? Just listen. Remember with them the people they have held so dear. There will be a resurrection up ahead. Jesus gained the victory. I already love this church we have come to. But this period of transition is busy. There seems to be so much to do. You miss the normal and expected. You miss your friends. It’s ok to mourn that too. I don’t know what our new “normal” holds. What societies will there be? Will my husband still text me when meetings go late? Will he remember that’s something we always do? This is just a fleeting moment. Don’t grasp for tomorrow’s graces when I have not given them to you. Why am I crying, Lord? What will others think? It’s ok for them to see the struggle, child. Fear not man. Fear only Me. The tears are not evidence of breaking, but of being formed into something great. Be transparent. Let them see the beauty of what I mold. The truth is, I am perfecting all of you. I’m happy Lord. How do you explain that feeling of deep joy and sorrow all at once to people you aren’t sure will understand you? My son wasn’t understood. His joy at doing My will brought Him to the depths of hell. To the world it was foolish and unwise. A plan holding providential disguise. Intermingled emotions…those please Me too. Our home seems to be floundering at times. The shortness of life is something we feel. Yet, I continue to make the same mistakes with my children day after day. Tomorrow’s mercies are new. Breathe a sweet breath of relief knowing these mercies don’t depend on you. I doubt so often Lord. It’s for the doubters I came. But the sin overwhelms me. The regrets of yesterdays creep in. Use the yesterdays as a witness. Don’t be afraid for your shortcomings to be seen. David used Bathsheba. Paul slew my lambs. Gideon made himself an idol. Samson served sexual sin. The list goes on and on… The regrets are not to dwell on, but to give greater glory to My Name. My girl. Her frame bends weary under the weight of different anxieties every now and then. I see in her so much of me. What if I’m not loving her in the right ways she needs? Hush the what’s ifs. They are simply an attempt to soften tomorrows blows. Don’t you know she is My daughter first? I gave her to you for a time because I love her more deeply than you ever could. No mother could match her better and she is just the daughter for you. The kids are getting older. They see our shortcomings more clearly. Their hearts are aging. Are we tender? Do we love them? I fail them often. I feel we should do more. Leave your footsteps for them to walk in as you lead them to the cross. Tell them plainly when they ask you questions. Ask forgiveness without excuse where it is due. Open up your own scars and failings where needed for them to view. They need to see in you the need for Me. Live in honesty with one another. The truth shall set you free. Each situation knits all of you to Me. My kids are getting ready for a new school. They are excited. But Lord… The raising of Christian children is important to Me. I’ll be with them. And I’ll be with you. You provided teachers for our former school. They were on my heart and Thy loving kindness shone through. My loving kindness is better than life. Life…it’s just a span. Use it for My glory. And when I fail to do so? Pray. The same way you are doing now. But I fail always. You are priceless to Me. I’m not in control. Of that I seem so aware. You never were in control. Out of control is the best place for you to be. I don’t have any more words. Silence is ok. Just mediate upon Me as you close your eyes to sleep. Psalm 63…the Psalm the young people of our church have just made their own. It’s coming to me now Lord as I cast my cares on Thee. What are the words My child? Recite them to Me… I will praise Thee. Because Thy loving kindness is more than life to me. That’s right…My kindness is more abundant than you can even think. It’s night Lord. During these watches I will try to give up the worries of my heart. I will remember Thee on my bed because Thou alone art my help. Please Lord, continue to be my help and the help of all Thy needy sheep. Lay down your head in peace and safety. I love being your help. I will always be your help. Read it again and again. It’s there in Psalm 63. I sin… I forgive.

My heart is Thine lord. Help me grow in Thee. My purposes are to draw you close to Me. I can close my eyes to sleep. My eyes are open. Watching. Protecting. Precious and beloved daughter-close your eyes for sleep. My fears are small next to Thy love. My loving kindness is full…always good. Always rich. Always free.