A desire began within me. Brewing slowly, bubbling in my hidden places before suddenly spilling over. Perhaps the longing appeared out of passages I thought I knew so well, only to become aware they held so much more than I once realized. Or, maybe, in an attempt to gain appreciation of my own worth, I hunted the crevices of Scripture that were waiting to be unfurled. I became inspired as I grazed the Bible’s pages for names of women. I was struck at names inked into infallibility; names that have had the honor of being been passed down from generation to generation. Names I imagine having been brought up in times of old, as they often are today. Perhaps recalled at family gatherings, around dinner tables as potatoes are passed, or at the bedsides of children as they prepare to rest. I can hear mothers whispering to daughters, “Sarah, oh how she judged God to be faithful, for He had promised. Fret not, for God is faithful, my child. He was then, and He is now.” And “Mary, she was the pondering one. So godly, so full of faith. Ponder on your circumstance too. God will work it out for good.” “And Ruth, she was persistent, following the God of her mother-in-law. Do what is right my little one, even when the future seems bleak. And let us remember godly Hannah, who poured her heart out to God. Always pour it to God, my sweet one. Let it seep from you until there is nothing left.” “Then there is Jochebed, the prudent mother of meek Moses. What about wise Abigail? You can face the situation ahead as God gives you grace to pray for that kind of wisdom." "And recall Jael, whom Deborah declared blessed above women. Yes, she must have been brave to nail a man’s skull. Take heart, my child-you can be bold too.” “And daughter, always be a listener, for that is what pleases our Lord. Martha was busy, but Mary, she sat as student at her Master’s feet.” “And Rahab and Bathsheba? Those imperfect mothers of Jesus? So unlikely. So unexpected. They mattered too. God used them, as He will you.”
The list goes on. Those named, but also unnamed. Those Titus 2 women like the wise woman of Abel (2 Samuel 20), the woman we know as the, "Proverbs 31 woman," or what Hebrews 11 states as those women of faith who “received their dead raised to life again.” God shows His glory through all of these weak, pilgrim walking women. Week by week we are taught through the preaching, yet in my personal reading, I was impressed with all that is packed not only in a single passage or verse, but also in a simple word. For me, that phrase was, “Thou God seest me.” That word, ““Beer-lahai-roi.” That name, “Hagar.”
Handmaid Hagar. Bondwoman who had been forced as a concubine in order to aid Abraham and Sarah in having a child. As is well known, Abraham had gone along with the foolish plan of his wife, in which they took upon themselves the authority to bear seed. Then, when Hagar did in fact turn up pregnant, she puffed herself up in pride, despising her mistress. Sarah in turn blamed Abraham for the outcome of these events, all the while taking God’s name in vain. And just when you think the situation couldn’t possibly become more miserable, we see Abraham failing to deal with the consequences of their sin. Rather, he says-she’s in your hand Sarah… “Do to her as it pleaseth thee.” (Gen. 16:6). And what did she do? “When Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.” She dealt hardly with Hagar-hurting and humiliating her. In despair, enlarged with the seed of Abraham, the handmaid took flight for the wilderness.
It was there in barren land that the words jumped out at me, “Thou God seest me.” (Gen. 16:13). What could that mean? It sounded so wonderful, so reassuring. Why did this strike me so much? And why were tears suddenly brimming beneath my eyes? I scurried to my husband’s study, without the thought of knocking. Because sometimes you just need to barge in. Just let loose while the thoughts are ready to be loosed, while they are still pounding up against the edges of your heart. It spewed as raging river from my lips, “Thou God seest me…she said Thou God seest me…” “Who?” It’s 9 something, he’s deep in his own work; his thoughts gathering around a completely different passage of Scripture, and here I am, popping my fragmented thoughts onto him. Oh yes, a name…I suppose that would help. Then the name dripped slower, with more precision. “Hagar...”
He had his ideas on what it meant, but he couldn’t give me all the details I longed for without looking into it more. And as inspiring as this newfound verse was to me, he had to get back to work. But I couldn’t wait. I had to see. Had to see what she meant when she uttered in awe, “Thou God seest me.” It was then I began to learn Hagar was the first recorded person the incarnate Christ appeared to. The first recorded being to give another name to the LORD. A Gentile. A nothing. A bondwoman from Egypt. God chose her…Hagar. She talked with the LORD in a wasted land, swollen with child. He had reminded her of her station in life, calling her “Sarai’s maid.” The LORD had stayed near as she pondered on the thought provoking questions He set before her. “Whence camest thou? And whither wilt thou go?” (Genesis 16:7,8) Hagar…what are you doing? Why do you run? Do you think you can run from the face of God?” “I flee…” (vs 8b). What broken lay between those two words? What rupturing took place within as she wrestled through the hard places…this hard place…this dessert? “Lord! It’s miserable! Sarah…she hurt me, dealt hardly with me…humiliated me. I am so ashamed…I am alone Lord. Pregnant. I didn’t ask for this. Don’t You know this wasn’t my plan for life? I can’t do this…I flee from what I do not want.” “From the face of my mistress Sarai.” (Gen. 16:8b). “It’s true…she’s my mistress LORD. I am but a servant. I became proud in the success of pregnancy. I ran from Sarai. From Abram. From the church. From You...” “And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.” ( Gen. 16:9). Go back Hagar. Return to Sarai. Return to the church. As loving Father, I tell you to submit. “...because the LORD has heard thy affliction.” ( Gen. 16:11). I hear you Hagar. I know it is difficult. I know you feel alone. But I am here. I see you in the despair you feel. You are not left barren…you are with child. I see your sin, but I also see you in mercy.
And there, after the rare privilege of witnessing the awe-striking glory of God; there after experiencing the love of a Father to her who was fatherless; there after she was given compassion for her burdensome circumstances; there where she felt mercy bestowed on her in the pointing out of her sin…there this lowly woman called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, “Thou God seest me" (vs 13). Beer-lahai-roi,” literally meaning, “fountain of one who sees me.” (vs 14). A continual cascade…. Seen by. Important to. Cared for. Jealous over. Seen in just the right ways God had appointed. Seen in her sin and seen in compassion. She confessed, “I have seen God. I will go back. I will return to God’s chosen church. I will serve in the lowly station God has given me.” Yes…Beauty from ashes…
God sees. Yes, tiny sparrow nestled under Father’s wings; yes indeed, God sees you. All is open to Him, nothing hidden from His all-seeing eye. He knows before you breathe each word, before you even breathed your first breath. He is the One who places His Holy Spirit in you to bring you to that first breath…that first puff of life that opens up all the mysteries of the kingdom of God. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10, “As it is written, eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. But God hath revealed them unto us by His Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.” His ways are deep for His beloved. He knows your sin…confess it. He knows your sorrow…unburden it. He knows your repentance…at the foot of the blood stained cross, leave it. He knows your pain…He bore it. He knows your anxiety…pray about it. He knows your shame…His name became it. He knows your imperfect love…and He loves you in spite of it. Because you? Yes, you… His died for it…all of it. And His all-knowing eye, is preparing you…look forward to it.
Where else is there unknown beauty? More names. More phrases. More to be opened…more to be learned. Many months have come and gone since I came across that phrase, that word, that name. Days that have slipped, faded into years. Here now, I am caught in this space between summer and winter. Chilly, yet refreshing. Morning is just creeping in as blanket shelters my frailty. Breeze purrs its first hello to me. Bible lays upon my unoccupied lap, and I hear plainly, “Open it.”
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