There are times that the what ifs, mishaps, and mistakes of life take crusade against me. They murmur accusations in their circle, incessantly pressing down on me. Their clench tightens around my neck, suppressing all my whimperings. These memories twist internally, causing an unknown bleed. Their grip is fierce, seeking to choke out the light in me. Bruised marks of unworthy are left behind- reminders I am of a broken seed. Connected at the ankle, I am chained to this foe “shame.” The yesterdays are not mine to bear, yet the whisper froths up from deep within, “You are not enough.” These devastating words are what tempt me to run from Calvary. Like Jonah running for Joppa, or Adam sewing his fig leaves…I hide, for how can I meet the eye of my Savior, bent and beaten, hanging from that tree, when so much sin swells in me? What if, when He beholds all the damage marking me, His gaze portrays disdain? The burden wilts me, shriveling me in the misbelief that, “I do not belong.”
“And, behold, a woman…which was a sinner…” (Luke 7:37). If ever there was a black sheep, we could say it was this woman. Not only was she a sinner, but she was known as a sinner. This was her identity. When walking down the street, those passing by would have seen her as branded; would have muttered underneath their breath, “There she goes…that woman…that sinner.” Shame was tied to her name. What her sins were, we aren’t specifically told. This unknown holds beauty. For it is in the unknown that we can see ourselves mirrored clearly.
Where we are not privy to the content of her sins, we are given the extraordinary details of what she did do. Braving the insults, stares, snobbery, rejection, and gossip of others, she invited herself into the respected house of Simon the Pharisee, as an unwanted guest. She stood at the feet of her Savior who had bestowed to her much grace. And there at His feet, the spontaneous tears of gratitude began to flow. A seemingly unending fountain fell on Him. Her hair, let down like that of a harlot, then mopped all she had spilled at His feet. She proceeded to kiss the feet of her Lord, and then anoint them with oil. What a scene! Not only a sinner…not only a sinner in the house of a reputable Pharisee…but also a sinner kissing the feet of Jesus!?!? Simon was disgusted. Those gathered were most certainly disturbed. But Jesus? He took delight in this broken sinner....in this “not good enough/doesn’t make sense” kind of sheep. And reading Simon’s heart, Jesus says, “I have somewhat to say unto thee…” Simon-you gave me no water. She gave me perpetual tears. You gave me no kiss. She has yet to cease from kissing my feet. You anoint not my head with oil. She anoints my feet with ointment. To sum it up-You are empty…I have made her full. She has thanked me for making her whole. “And he said unto her, thy sins are forgiven.” (Vs 48). No longer was she known as the woman who was a sinner. Now she is publicly assured-you are the woman who is forgiven.
Do you feel like a black sheep? The sheep that is spotted by your sin? Sins of youth that should be forgotten, seem to sprout up just the same. Do you struggle with self-hate, self-harm, or self-esteem? Do you think God has marked you as unwanted because of the marks left on you? Do you think you are beyond help because of the mire that entraps you? Your arms are thrashing, but you don’t know how tell someone about the sin enslaving you. Have others hurt or demeaned you? Caused you to believe the lie that your worth is made up of only what they choose to see? Have your parents treated you cruelly? Have those you trusted let you down? Do you feel like “that” girl? The one who still doesn’t have a date. Your friends are all getting married, having kids to call their own. You feel the tides of life are changing, and its waves are drowning you. Are you the mother-in waiting, just longing for a miracle to take place? Is it difficult to partake in conversation, when you just can’t relate? Are you that “one” Christian at work? Others see your faith, and it gives occasion for them to mock. Does depression surround you? Anxiety imprison you? What makes you feel like the black sheep dear sister or brother? The list could go on and on…
Frail sheep, hear me when I say- just as you are, right now, with all the choices you have made, (both good and bad) on your worst days and your best, with all the deepest secrets you have confessed to your Father, and all the ones you foolishly try to hide, He loves you right here in the moment-in the middle of what you see as a mess. He doesn’t love you more on the days you think you have it all together, or on the days you feel less black. His love is unchanging-always fiery, never dull. It can’t be dimmed or snuffed out. You don’t believe me? Turn your eyes to the Shepherd, who spoke the parable of a man with one hundred sheep. They looked so white and wooly-were pleasing to the eye. Yet when one wandered away from the fold, the shepherd left the ninety-nine on the grassy hills, searching for the one He knew needed His shepherd hands. When he found that sheep, he didn’t pound it over the head and scream, “This is the last chance you get, you stupid sheep! Now get back to where you belong!” No. He gathered that sheep up gentle, laid it on his shoulders, and went home rejoicing, calling to his friends, “Rejoice! Rejoice with me! My sheep that once was lost, now is found!” This Shepherd cared for the one. I am the one. You are the one. The once was lost, but now are found. Read it again beloved ewe-you are the one.
Did you know that sheep are the most mentioned animal in the Bible? Psalm 23 is the classic Shepherd’s Psalm, but there are so many more verses that give exquisite imagery of the intimate relationship God’s sheep have with Him. But this week I came across something about sheep I never knew. Something that has settled within me, fighting old found shame. Something that reminds me of God's protection amidst tomorrow’s unknown terrain. I read about bummer sheep. I learned that there are times a mother ewe dies, leaving her lamb an orphan. Or at other times, the mother ewe can become too overwhelmed with the challenge of caring for her young. Particularly if she can’t produce enough milk for multiple offspring, she will choose to care for certain lambs and reject others (usually the smallest of the bunch). Once she chooses to reject a lamb, she has made up her mind, and there is no turning back. If necessary, she will even unapologetically kick at her newborn to break it from her nurture. The abandoned lamb will then bow its head so low that it looks like something is wrong with its neck. But the reality is, their sickness is that of a broken and crushed spirit. These banned and forsaken lambs are called “bummer lambs.” Often these vulnerable lambs die. It is only if the shepherd steps in to care for these sheep that they will have the chance to live. So, what does the shepherd do? He takes the deserted lamb into his own home, hand-feeding it, keeping it warm, pressing it close to his chest so that the lamb can hear his heartbeat. When mother forsakes, the shepherd takes it up. (Psalm 27:10). When the shepherd calls to the flock, who is there to greet him first? The bummer sheep. Why? Because it knows his voice best, and it has intimately experienced relationship with its shepherd.
What pain do you face today? What hardship burdens you? What decisions lie ahead? Does it feel like your foundation is shaking? Is there news that butts at you like a mother ewe kicks at her squawking lamb? As much as we want to flee it, we know breaking always comes. Whether in sin or sorrow, sickness or pain- the moments can seem daunting, tempting us to hang our heads in fear, feeling isolated and forlorn. The music isn’t the kind we always want to hear. But listen to the steady voice of the Shepherd over those unnerving notes that strain. “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.” (John 10:27).
Bleat at His feet, kissing them in praise. Don’t let those kisses cease. Anoint His feet with ointment, in the thankful knowledge that He was the One who first anointed you (Psalm 23:5). Rejoice knowing His love breathes after you. His breath calls out, “Little bummer lamb, I chose you.” Don’t compare yourselves to the spotted or the speckled-those differences of His sheep don’t matter. He creates and shapes each bummer lamb as the one and only sheep that can uniquely bring praise to Him. You may be bruised and broken-in the valley of the shadow, death creeping up on you. But don’t let the lie sink in that the Shepherd is turned off by what you perceive to be broken. Not only are our perceptions often skewed, but our Savior will use all the broken to showcase His undeserved mercy and grace. Just like the rich amazing grace He gave to a sinner woman, whose tears washed her Shepherd’s feet.
Don’t despise what breaks you, bummer lamb. I pray His truth shines down on you. It is only sheep that are given the grace and salvation to see they are broken-and yet loved-that rest secure in their Shepherd, learning to trust in His wisdom, strength, and mercy. It is broken sheep for which Jesus came. In His compassion, may He give you grace to understand the blessing of being His bummer lamb. Only the justified sheep will overcome and silence the voice of the accuser with the blood of their righteous Lamb (Rev. 12:11)
For the bummer sheep- the Shepherd Sheep says, “My beauty for your ashes…always…always My beauty for ashes.
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