Waves

She is brave in setting her feelings to ink. Brave because with each word comes the reality, “this thing…this unspoken and horrible thing…it’s something that has really happened to me.” She was brave in sending her story to me. Brave because giving her words to another opened her up to vulnerability. What a gift I have been given to have her experience spoken to me. She is brave in the silence as she is brave when she speaks. She is brave in confessing the harm that often goes judged or unseen. She is brave in remembering the waves of the past-the ones she can now see as good, and the ones that still threaten to lap. She was brave in the beginning when the atrocity occurred. When her innocence was stolen and she realized it was something she could never get back. She is brave now too, when dawn opens a new day, and her bravery continues when night's darkness erases the suns ray's. Her soul will not be silenced because her God is in the middle of all she must face-He is the One giving her the grace to be brave. He stands between her and the unknown, warding off all that makes her feel helpless and alone. He is her firm Rock, and she rests safely in Him-because amid life’s changing waves, He is established and unmoving. He wraps her in billows of goodness-His waves of mercy protecting her from the blackening sea. She is brave to me each day-even if she doesn't see it...and even when she feels unworthy. I ask as you read this guest post, that you try to enter her waves and see her bravery…

“I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages.” Charles Spurgeon. Waves are a good way to describe the ebb and flow and sometimes the raging tumult of healing from sexual abuse. At times the waves lap and flow away and at times they rage, threatening to overwhelm body, mind and soul. I have not perfected “kissing” the waves that come. I would say I have run from the waves more than I have kissed them. The waves were very frightening once upon a time. When I first told my story, the memories, the feelings of despair, and the shame flooded over me, and I could not stand. The dark waters curled around my ankles and pulled me into the depths of hopelessness. I have run from those waves because the dark waters are oh so terrifying. I have stood defiantly amongst the waves, in my own strength. How often have I tried to control the waves. Like I am God, I think that I can direct the wind, stop the waves and control how and where they land. Maybe just maybe I can control what seems out of control. And time and time again I find myself swept off my feet. The waves are not mine to control, I am not God. I have screamed at the waves desperate for them to stop. My lungs have burned with the screaming I have done. Sometimes at others, most often at God. The questions, why God, how God? The desperate cries to take it away. The screaming as I see the waves coming and I'm neck deep in deep waters again. And once again I come up sputtering with a mouth full of sand and sea water. And there is my God, that Rock of Ages. He’s there and He holds each wave in His sovereign hand and sends each one so that I may be humbled. All the running, the defiance, the screaming-He stops my feet, He chastises my pride, and quiets my voice so that I may look to Him. “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up” James 4:10. His voice is what I hear, so that I am brought to the end of myself, that He may become more, and I may become less.

There is great loss when one is sinned against in such a way as sexual abuse. I lost a piece of myself, innocence and purity that should have been beautifully given to my husband within the marriage covenant. I lost a sense of safety and trust in others because that safety was breached, and trust was broken. I lost peace of mind and body and from the moment of violation my body and mind fought to survive. There is a loss of identity- the traumatic events shape how one views themself. The devil uses this deep wound to foster lies and thoughts of, “I am dirty and used, I am guilty, ashamed and marked. I am crazy because it seems others don’t see or understand what it is to carry and deal with these things.” The battle against darkness started the day I was taken advantage of. And in the wake of sexual abuse the battle is scary, lonely and wearying. I have lost much, and I grieve those things on a daily basis. But although all suffering involves loss, I cannot forget the Lord. Psalm 44: 19-21, “Though thou hast sore broken us in the place of dragons, and covered us with the shadow of death. If we have forgotten the name of our God, or stretched out our hands to a strange god; Shall not God search this out? for he knoweth the secrets of the heart.”

Loss can try to overwhelm a heart, but with God, who knows the heart, there is so much gain. He, in His time, not only rescues us and heals us from those devastating effects of abuse, but He teaches our hearts to look to Him. With decades of healing, I’m reminded in looking back to have a proper perspective. When a wave of healing comes yet again, it's easy to lose perspective. These waves are reminders of the loss I experienced and often of things the Lord pleases to have me deal with yet. In these crashing waves I struggle with which lifeboat to get into. It is either the boat of victim-a flimsy slapped together vesture, held together of my own strength, often by my sinful desires. Or the lifeboat of God and His Word, the ship's hull built with the powerful cross of Jesus Christ. There is danger in looking back, that I am tempted to climb into the boat of victim and pick up the things I lost, to hold them to myself, to control, fix and at times wallow in them. But then I am forgetting how it all was taken, and I was given new life by my Savior. I look back, and I see the waves that have passed over me, and I know there will still be waves coming. But with each wave I have learned to let go of myself, that flimsy lifeboat, and cling to the sturdy, sure, rock of ages lifeboat. I can see the past waves and I remind myself to see the cross, and God remaining victorious in them all. He is victorious, past, present and future, He has promised that, and we can remain sure in that promise. “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

The pain, grief and weeping remain as a thorn in my flesh, but all the loss has been redeemed by Christ. He suffered the ultimate loss so that I would gain the victory. I have hope that the suffering of this lifetime will someday be gone, when I see my loving, wise and sovereign Father face to face. I am learning to kiss the waves that come because in this I am clinging more and more to Him. Pray that my grip remains firm. And join me in saying, “Thanks be to God who is “a shield for me; My glory, and the lifter up of mine head” (Psalm 3:3)“which giveth us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Cor. 15:57)

Author~Anonymous

…Dear brave one-You are not done fighting. But when your heart hurts, whisper to the aches the truth-“I am not alone.” For not only is God with you, but we are here too. And just as you ask, we will pray your grip holds, and that you are given strength to endure.

…Dear brave one-May God continue to give you grace to be courageous. May you know that He will be with you wherever you go. And may you remember it is ok to mourn and to cry.

...Dear brave one- in so many ways you make others want to be brave too.

(*If you would like to submit a guest post, either anonymous, or by name, feel free to contact me. I would be grateful for the opportunity to hear your experience and share your voice*)